A Trait that Drives Friends Batshit Crazy !

There’s a personality trait I have.

Correction: have always had.

It’s sort of harmless. Yet, it’s driven some of my closest friends and loved ones insane with frustration, even as early as high school and college.

So what IS this illicit trait, you ask? 

Breaking out into showtunes on the street corner?

Having ridiculously strong opinions on James Bond movies?

Composing overly-long, overly-written texts and emails? 

Nope. 

It’s this — I’m always seeing the other side of the argument someone is trying to make. I see the other party’s point of view, as well. 

My worldview and opinions live “in the middle, in the gray areas,” rarely seeing things as black and white. I’m one of that dying breed in our it’s-us-against-them or if-you’re-not-with-us-you’re-against-us world… I’m a Moderate. And not just in politics. 

This. Drives. Friends. INSANE.

They’ll just want to vent, to go on and on about how Greg so and so has been a COMPLETE and utter rude asshole to them, regaling me with every detail of Greg’s missteps, misdeeds and the SO many ways in which they, my friend, have been WRONGED and mistreated! These stories usually end with them asking, “I mean, can you BELIEVE it?!?”

There’s a pause. I nod and ponder. Then: “Well, you have to understand, Greg must be in a bad headspace when you consider his home life, so you can’t really blame him, and…” –

“You ALWAYS take the other person’s side!!!!” they’ll lament.

“WHOSE side are you ON anyway?!”

Or, “You never, EVER take my side!”

Or, “I just broke up with girlfriend, would you PLEASE just agree that SHE’s the one in the wrong!”

A best friend will come home from a trip and tell me everything that went wrong, every letdown, the people who were rude, the misunderstandings and missteps that happened between vacationing friends, who has stopped speaking to one another, the ways in which feelings were hurt, yet again.

My response? Agreeing… but then: “Hmm, that’s a shame… but you have to understand, you’re going into this with unrealistic expectations and keep being let down, and I’m sure they were only trying to …”

Steam comes out of his ears. “Joe, can’t you JUST be a normal friend and feel bad for me and agree that I am RIGHT and they were totally in the WRONG?!”

It’s a pretty sucky and unhelpful way to be, I’ll admit.

Friends are supposed to listen and support their mates by agreeing with them, always backing them up, slapping them on the back, saying, “That sucks, you’re so right!!” 

And I DO that. I AM upset when a friend has been hurt or when something has gone wrong or there’s a difference of opinion… but somehow I have this ability to take a moment to at least ponder the offending party’s motives, worldview, to see them not just as “the evil with the opposite opinion” but to try and burrow into their thoughts. 

In my 20s I started worrying about this trait —  that it was there because I didn’t have a backbone, that I didn’t really have the courage of my convictions to make a passionate choice, and, being a people-pleaser for so much of my life, not wanting to pick a side, not wanting to have a viewpoint in case it made people not like me as much, or think badly of me. 

Sadly, I do believe that was part of this trait’s emergence – balancing in the middle as a way to avoid confrontation or disapproval at all costs.

Or, is it that I have Empathy? I do lean towards empathy for people of all types, and as an actor and writer, having empathy is a requirement, to be authentic. I spend an inordinate amount of time studying humans from a distance, observing behavior and motivations, peering into “the opponent’s” reasoning.

But in today’s America, being a moderate ain’t easy, and some would say it isn’t even welcome or an option anymore. Being moderate is definitely considered being WEAK or indecisive, for there’s WAY more money to be made when there are defined enemies, enraged emotions, a villain. Our entire media structure is now set up this way – daily, there are “news” stories about how so-and-so clapped back with the perfect response, how this politician had an epic smackdown tweet or the most snarky comeback quote. “You won’t BELIEVE how she responded!”

THIS is news? Nope, it’s Us versus Them — you MUST be 100% in agreement with us, with no area for nuance or human understanding!

And this goes BOTH ways. 

When Donald Trump was elected, while I was surprised, I wasn’t in shellshocked disbelief like some of my ultra-liberal friends. 

“HOW could people be so STUPID?” they’d wail, months later. 

Joe’s unhelpful chestnut: “Well, you have to consider the Rust Belt and how the Dems made promises to the working class for decades that never ever came true, so why should they believe them now?”

“No, they’re just idiots!! It’s just that they’re wrong!” they’d shriek.

Meanwhile, my conservative friends: 

“Young people nowadays are so lazy and aren’t realistic about work.”

Me again: “Well, maybe, but they grew up post 9-11, their rent is 5 times higher than mine was and wages haven’t exactly gone up and the interest on student debt… and maybe they figured out what we never had the courage to dare admit — that work isn’t everything, and….”

Them: “No, they’re just entitled snowflakes!”

Yes, in the scheme of things, I mainly lean left when it comes to standard political issues. But not ALL the way left.

Case in point: the immigration issue. This has so many layers and focuses way too much on only Mexicans or people of color, BUT, it does indeed bother me when immigrants who don’t take the proper channels get access to U.S. benefits and programs that offer more empathy and love than is ever given to our damaged, returning American servicemen and servicewomen. That strikes me as inherently wrong. All through West Hollywood and Glendale here in LA there are white-skinned immigrants from Russia, Armenia, Eastern Europe and other places who’ve totally learned how to manipulate the system and double-dip into programs, teaching others how to do it when they arrive, and then never being employed.

When I get upset about this, I end up “sounding like a Conservative” to some people. Same when I’m talking about the police department or homelessness issues. Then, conversely, to my Conservative friends I sound like someone brainwashed by the fruits & nuts on “the Left Coast,” just because I want people to get paid appropriate wages, because I want gays to be able to adopt hurting children in need, and because I see the fallout of a one-mindset abortion stance.

I blame extremism. And media personalities who make a gazillion dollars just getting everybody fired up, creating “good, highly-watchable television” and high ratings, good radio & podcasts and future book deals. Instead of actively trying to make things better, to change the world for the better, these folks make WAY more money when people are outraged, pointing fingers, apoplectic… usually over something that doesn’t affect their lives in the least….. They’re primed and groomed to be OUTRAGED.

But there is a strong contingent of us out here still TRYING to be moderates, still trying to stay away from the extremism that is out there, everywhere, going in both directions. 

So, to my friends, past, present and future, I’d like to say, I’m gonna work harder on putting my empathy helmet on, aiming more towards YOU instead of also examining your arch enemy’s point of view at the same time… but the truth is, I am who I am. I’m not wired to instantly pick sides or always jump on the obvious bandwagon.

As I started to write this essay yesterday, like kismet, a friend shared the following sentiment online, which fit so well with what I was writing.

“Between them exists the exhausted majority. They’re not all moderates. They’re the two-thirds of Americans on the right, left and center who are described as fed up with polarization, feel forgotten in public discourse, and are flexible enough in their views that they’re willing to compromise. This is the group that has the potential to save America from escalating animosity and polarization. It has the numbers and the latent power to transform American politics. But so long as it remains exhausted or perhaps intimidated, then the extremes shall reign. 

If YOU used to be more moderate in your thinking… ponder it. (It’s not for everyone – in fact, I also love and admire some people who are fiery and passionate about their worldview). But… has your echo chamber bubble of yes-men and always-agreeing friends and memes made you an always-agree-er and not an independent thinker? Has the constant media noise pressured you to ONLY think one way to be considered a true woman, a true gay man, a true Republican, a true Black man, a true American? 

Come back to the middle… IF that’s where you belong.

It’s lonely here, and collaboration would be such a nice antidote to what ails us.